SHE'S HER OWN ANTIDOTE

Written by: Irene Ardiente

She's looking through the mirror and sees a failure.  As she opened her eyes, there is a smile left behind. Doubtful of what may embrace and of what may disappear.

 At her young age she suffers a lot. There are countless days and nights that she had a battle with herself. Hurting her emotions was not the satisfaction, it weighs more of hurting her physically is the real satisfaction. She has different illness, an illness because of disgrace and an illness that she once think, the execration. She's drowning with her own tears for many reasons. She really had a tough time to handle things by her own but wait, by her own? Yes, definitely by herself. Her mother lost her livelihood due to the implementations of protocol in this time of pandemic. Her mother lost her job to the point that she couldn't sustain the family’s needs and wants.

 Pandemic opened a new chapter to her life. A lot of changes she attest. The way she live her life and the way she treat herself before. She was used to things that she could buy anything she wants, she could eat anything she wanted to eat, and she could go to places anywhere she wants to go. She’s really enjoying her youth not until, family and illness knot is into her. On that day, she couldn’t find a reason to smile with genuineness. She’s down,  literally down .

 She witnessed the hardship of her mother, but no one witnessed her times of darkness. She is the type of a girl that is very selfless. There are times that she can't help herself in escaping to a certain burden as long as she can help others first. She had some complications with her ovary and with her kidney due to a motorcycle accident. She literally experience shortness of breathing to the point that, she will grapple her breathing just to feel safe .  She’s always into limitations of all things, she want to do that particular thing but she couldn’t because it’s prohibited for her to do so. She can’t feel enjoyment anymore. Everything to her seems to be greedy.

As she realized, she must have been healed by her illness on her own strategies. She’s into selling different foods. She engaged herself to a small business that could help her in dealing this matter. She rarely ask for help from her family when she think that she still can. She can, but she’s disparage. She did all of those just to earn money for the expenses of her upcoming check up. Knowing these, she is using her pocket money to make it as a capital.  At night, she also does her school works without anybody's help and doing those with many hesitations. Those are the moments that she could not find a reason but to trust herself more than ever. She  could not help her tears to fall, she could not wipe her sadness because she think her life was a failure. When realization came into her mind she thought, "Does everything am I  doing worth to work for?"

 Unending struggles made her wreck. She thought she can survive but it will always be a  “thought”. She is having battle with her illness, a battle of pressure because of the mode of learning, and a battle of financial needs. You know what makes it harder for her? She will be running a maze with her own shadow.  She brought her own medicine that cost more than hundred and to be taken good care for three months, she provides basic goods to her family by herself as much as she can, as usual. She laughs as she holds back her tears. She helped by  setting aside herself. She strives in her rough way road.

 Everything seems to be so hard to her, but she could not find a reason to stop because in be half of those, she still believes that she has a purpose.  She may always find herself in darkness,  but she always find a reason to escape there. As days goes by, she realized how much she had done and  she asked herself,  am I too hard on you?  You’ve done so much. Isn’t it enough for you to put back the trust you once treasure in yourself? With that, she’s done . She’s done doubting herself. She believed in herself more than what she did before. She called herself a warrior, a unique warrior that she can only give a definition by herself. She is a strong woman and stands carrying the torch of hope no matter what stone will be thrown to her.

 “The only thing that you can help yourself is to trust yourself that you can. You have to believe in yourself that no one can ruin you as long as there is you  that believes in you.” These are the thoughts that came up basing on what happened to her.

 She always have her dedication even the blessed fate is into her.  She always have her hopes in behalf of albeit progress of her. But she's into her way to triumph carrying the audacity,  that once she stood still amidst the storm.